The Penis War Diaries!
by TheDobe
Summary: Sasuke was exactly the reason why Naruto hated not only his life, but also his penis, and Sai always found a way to make things worse. SasuNaruSasu
1. Default Chapter

**Warnings: **Contains tack wars, thumb wars and best of all, penis wars. If you have anything against penises, tack, thumbs or even war, don't drink and drive. Or read this for that matter, it's for your own protection.

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Naruto, there would never be a shortage of butt secks.

**The Penis War Diaries!**

**Default Chapter**

Sometimes, Naruto sat and wondered why he had wasted his time and energy fighting nail and tooth to get Sasuke back, because now that he actually was back, the Uchiha was making his life a living hell. He was pretty certain that the reason behind Sasuke's 'rescue' from the old guy who just wouldn't die largely involved Sakura, who was starting to seem less and less grateful because she'd started dating fuzzy eyebrows, which was a concept Naruto just couldn't grasp. There he was; Uzumaki Naruto, a fine specimen of the male gender, whose eyebrows were not the size of an obese caterpillar he might add, but still, Sakura went and chose Lee over him. It was definitely the spandex. He was sure of it.

"Damn you, Lee." he mumbled under his breath, wondering why he let Jiraiya destroy his pair. If he hadn't, then he would probably be a chick magnet like Lee. Admittedly being a magnet didn't sound appealing to him, but he figured the chicks would more than make up for it.

"What's wrong with you now, dumbass?" Sasuke asked, flicking the blond over the head with his finger. Naruto scowled, shifting away from the annoying Uchiha. The boy really was a thorn in his side. Not only did he always have people trying to kill him for his eyes, most of the village hated him now and thus hated Naruto more for bringing him back. If he had known that the whole, 'rescue Sasuke' thing would come back and bite him in the ass, he would have told Sakura to get bent and gotten himself some new friends. Like Gaara, who he thought was cool, in a completely non-weird and creepy way.

"Go away, teme." He grumbled; looking at the scar across his arm he had gotten in his fight with Orochimaru. That was another reason why he hated Sasuke; scars.

"Did you just call me_ 'you'_?" the Uchiha asked incredulously, looking at Naruto like he thought he was stupid, which he wasn't. Naruto could honestly say that he was the smartest person he knew.

"Yeah, he called you '_you_'." Naruto glared at Sai wondering why and when he and Sasuke decided to be friends. If he had found out sooner, he would have killed himself on the spot.

"Why did you call me that?" Sasuke asked, raising a thin brow in confusion.

"Because he's got a small penis." Sai, the thorn in Naruto's other side replied. The blond, once again, wondered why he bothered trying to be friends with Sai of all people. Sure it was crazy cool when he called Sakura an ugly hag, but after a while, he got weird and started reading friendship books and then committed the mother of all crimes, and called Ino gorgeous. As if her ego hadn't been overinflated already. Everything had gone downhill from there. Their love/hate relationship changed from then on, things would never be the same again.

"Small compared to whose?" Sasuke asked, apparently interested because penises had been mentioned.

"Small compared to yours?" Sai's answer was more of a question than an answer.

"My penis isn't small!" The blond growled. Naruto happened to be very proud of his size, and he wouldn't let the two people who just happened to be the banes of his rather happy existence ruin it for him. Of course, the two boys ignored him.

"Well everyone's is small compared to mine." Sasuke sniffed smugly, running a hand through his hair in apparent self appreciation. Naruto snorted, wondering why his penis jumped at the mention of Sasuke's penis. Maybe it was defective, he heard that was what had happened to Neji's.

"What planet are you living on?" Sai asked, laughing his strange high pitched and completely fake laugh. Naruto always wondered if he practiced it, it always had the same breathy but squeaky quality to it. It was rather annoying, not at all like his manly chuckle.

"I swear, mine is bigger than yours." The Uchiha winked. And Naruto almost choked on air. Sasuke was a weirdo.

"Yes," Sai nodded in understanding, "In your dreams that is."

"Mine is bigger than both of yours combined, so shut up!" Naruto shouted, shutting both boys up immediately. He wanted to do his victory dance, but he decided to leave it until later when there were 'kyaa-ing' fan girl types around. Those were his kind of people.

"Yeah right dumbasss," Sasuke replied, snorting.

"Is so!" Naruto shouted back, "I'll slap you in the face with it if you want proof!"

"Okay, I'll show you mine, if you show me yours first then." Sasuke suggested, unzipping his shorts.

"Fine!" Naruto replied, following suit, flushing slightly. He wasn't so sure he wanted to prove his penis was bigger anymore.

Sai just stood back and watched. And thus the penis war began.

TBC

Just an idea I've been playing around with for quite a while now. Tell me if you think I should continue with it.


	2. Namikaze Minato

**Warnings:** I failed to mention it before, but this is one of those fics you just shouldn't take too seriously, if you do, it could potentially damage your health. Side effects of taking this too seriously include nausea, drowsiness and in some cases: premature death. I shit you not so please, proceed with caution.

**Review Responses**: Thank you all for the glorious reviews and thank you to everyone that took the time out to read! I'm not sure if people want review responses or not, but if you do want a response, just say so and there will be much love coming your way!

**Chapter that happens to be the Second**

Naruto looked at Sasuke, hands hovering over his crotch, ready to draw his weapon at any time, and twitched slightly. Sasuke obviously thought that the whole thing was a joke and decided to enact old Clint Eastwood films, but Naruto would beat him at his own game, he was a Clint Eastwood fanatic. Who exactly had been the only one in Konahagakure to go and watch _'The Good, the Bad and the Ugly'_? Naruto of course, not Sasuke. The butthead. Incidentally, he was now a huge fan of Van Halen too, who would have thunk it?

Naruto decided there and then that he would happily bare all as proof of his undying love of the wild, wild west. Oh, and because he had a bigger penis than Sasuke. Of course. A bead of sweat came rolling down the side of the blonde's cheek, but he ignored it because he was a manly man, and not at all poncey like Sasuke.

"Let's go home boys." Sasuke suddenly said, zipping up his shorts, "There will be no free shows today, too many eyes around here and because you're sweating like a pig." Naruto stared at Sasuke for a moment, wondering if he was joking. He could honestly say it was the best thing that had ever happened to him, after the time he had gotten a candy bracelet for his not Birthday. That really had been a good day for him.

"That means I win! I totally pwned you!" Naruto whooped, high fiving the air in an extremely cool way. His air high five was a lot like Gai's nice guy pose, except for the fact that the nice guy pose lacked one thing the air high five had, style. As always, his love for Clint had come through for him, how other people survived without him, he would never know.

"No, it means you both have small penises." Sai replied "But in this book I've been reading, it says that size doesn't matter." Narto's n00b alert went off after he heard Sai's sentence. To Naruto, Sai really couldn't be a bigger n00b even if he tried.

"Ho ho, it matters, my friend." Sasuke snorted "Anyway, my wallpaper and I have been fighting a duel to the death, one or the other of us has to go. I'm going to get rid of it now. Let's go Team Hebi." He said, walking way and his small black dog followed suit. It was a Jack Russell, Sasuke hadn't 

been too sure what to call him: Karin or Naruko, so he settled on Team Hebi which he thought was both cool, and logical too. Sure, when he had gone pet hunting he had been looking for something more vicious, more dangerous to suit the black taint of his soul, but he found that they only had poodles and the Russell unfortunately. It hadn't been an easy choice, but he thought he had made the right decision in the end. Team Hebi was the best damn dog he had ever had.

Naruto secretly did his 'Naruto whooped Sasuke's ass dance' wondering why he hadn't thought of comparing penises with Sasuke earlier because his gun was obviously bigger and longer and faster than Sasuke's so he could win any time. And his was prettier. He totally pwned Sasuke at everything. Now all that was left to do was to destroy the sex God that was known as Rock Lee and the ladies would come to him like bugs to a bug killer, except there would be no killing, just a whole load of lovin'.

"What the hell are you doing?" Sai asked, staring at the blond who was still doing his victory dance.

"Nothing!" Naruto shouted back, completely seizing all movement, there was no way in hell he was going to reveal his secret jig to Sai of all people.

--

In the same part of the village, two very mysterious men sat, very conspicuously hiding behind some bushes, not spying on teenage boys who had promised to show their penises but backed out at the last moment. Nope, not at all.

"Damn you Hatake, you told me there's penis around here, where the hell is it then?" one of the mysterious men fumed, tucking a strand of grey hair behind his ear in an extremely none female way.

"LOL! I guess my penis sensor isn't what it used to be." The diffident statement was followed by a nervous chuckle and one visible eye crinkled in barely hidden amusement. "You should go, if Tsunade founds out you're here, you're dead meat."

"You and your damn net speech," the white haired male murmured, shaking his head in disapproval "And like hell Tsunade would touch me. She likes to act like she's the boss of me, but she's really a pussy cat, in fact she wouldn't be where she is right now if it wasn't for good old me." He puffed his chest out proudly and beat it with his fists. He was the king of the Konoha jungle. Rawr.

"Then you probably don't mind that I recorded this then heh?" the other man asked "I think she will find it rather interesting." With a 'poof' the masked menace vanished, leaving a rather distraught man in his wake.

--

Naruto was having a nice dream, one in which he didn't have a small penis. In fact he had a rather average penis, but because of his brand spanking new pair of spandex, it made the ladies think he was bigger than he was so they came swarming. It made him wonder he hadn't just done that instead of buying that stupid Axe deodorant. Instead of bringing ladies, that stupid thing just brought wasps and bees swarming to him, and bees just weren't as sexy as some people thought they were.

"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts." He sand happily, marching through the streets of Konohagakure, with a hoard of women following him excitedly like he was Sasuke, except he wasn't Sasuke because he was Uzumaki Naruto. He winked at the old bat that worked at the food stall that always tried to sell him rotten food, and she fainted because of his sexiness. She deserved it.

"_Wake up, dumb ass!" _Naruto decided to ignore the sound of Sasuke's voice because his dreams were his only means of escape from Sasuke and there was no way in hell Sasuke had found a way to ruin that for him as well. So he carried on singing.

"I'm too sexy for Milan, to sexy for Milan, New York and Japan." He ripped his shirt open like the manly, sexy beast the he was to reveal his big, pulsating...muscles.

"Dobe, wake up!"

"Noes, Sasuke!" he shrieked, and his muscles instantly deflated "Delete, delete, DELETE GODDAM YOU!" he screamed, shooting up of his bed, his eyes wide in shock and mild awareness, and looked around his bedroom. Sasuke was sitting on his chair. By the looks of things, the brunet had apparently broken into his place and had invited himself into his bedroom. He didn't find that creepy at all, in fact he was rather flattered, it was much like the time Hinata had walked in on him in the shower. No biggie.

"So you're finally awake, rival 'o mine but only when it comes to size and even then we're not too sure because we haven't compared our manhoods yet." Sasuke said, sitting in a chair stroking a fake cat like they did in the movies. Naruto would never admit it, but he thought he looked kinda...well he seemed kinda, or he acted kinda...cool.

"Bleh, I'm gonna' be sick." He mumbled to himself, wondering why he had just thought that Sasuke was cool.

"Now that Sai is not here to humiliate you, show me your penis." The strange statement was said in a rather blasé fashion that made Naruto wonder if Sasuke was as crazy as his crazy brother had always insisted he was.

"What the feck?!" Naruto shouted, pinching his arm just to make sure he wasn't nightmaring. He wasn't. Damn.

"Drop the shorts, let's see your pencil sized dick!" the Uchiha said, dropping the apparently not fake cat on the floor. The poor thing scuttled away as soon as it got away from the boy's evil hands.

"For your information, it's about the size of a bratwurst," Naruto said proudly "And you won't be seeing my pulsating manhood any time soon."

"Show me your cock, or die!" Sasuke shouted. Naruto pondered this for a minute, because the way he saw it, if he died, he would lose a very important part of himself, and it wouldn't really please anyone if he died, apart from the hoards of villagers that hated him because he had a village destroying demon fox in his stomach, but that was easy to ignore. But he couldn't die because he still had many fans that he had yet to meet him, many walks he had yet to walk, many men he had yet to ride... He frowned, he wasn't too sure why, but the last one didn't sound right. But Kakashi had told him that it was, so he shrugged it off because Kakashi was always right in his book.

"Never!" he shouted belatedly.

Sasuke, however had different plans, and was on the blond in two seconds flat.

"Your pants are mine," he whispered, and gave out a battle cry.

--

"Well, needless to say I had nothing to worry about." Sasuke said, taking a slow sip of his tea.

"You're telling me, Naruto looks really small." Neji snickered covering his mouth bashfully, and because he was so busy laughing and acting like a girl, he failed to notice Sasuke stealing a crumpet from his plate. The fool; that was the third one in a row.

"Bitch please; he's still probably bigger than you." The Uchiha replied, waving his hand to dismiss the statement.

"How dare you doubt me, I'm a Hyuuga demit, and you haven't even seen the size of this beast!" Neji replied, looking affronted.

"Well his father is _Namikaze Minato_ you know!" Sasuke replied as a way to try and placate the other teen.

"Who the hell is that?" the pale-eyed boy asked looking completely confused.

"Beats me."

TBC

Now be honest, should I carry on with this?


End file.
